Kids Ya gotta love ’em

Children Writing About The Ocean….

1) – This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.  (Kelly,
age 6)

2) – Oysters’ balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) – If you are surrounded by ocean you are an island.  If you don’t
have ocean all round you, you are incontinent.   ( Wayne , age 7)

4) – Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She’s not my friend any more.   (Kylie, age 6)

5) – A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.
(Billy, age 8)

6) – My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots
and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) – When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean.  Sometimes when the wind didn’t blow the sailors would whistle to
make the wind come.  My brother said they would have been better off
eating  beans.  (William, age 7 )

8) – Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and
I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant?
Like, really?   (Helen, age 6)

9) – I’m not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always
crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got
pregnant, so I can’t think what to write. (Amy, age 8)

10) – Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting.  Electric eels can
give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think
they have   to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

11) – When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes
my  willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) – Divers have to be safe when they go under the water.  Divers can’t
go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.  (Becky, age 8)

13) – On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was
going  very fast. She says she won’t do it again because water fired
right up  her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)

14) – The ocean is made up of water and fish.  Why the fish don’t dround
I don’t know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) – My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean.
What  he doesn’t know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.
(James, age 7)

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Diary of a Snow Shoveler

I guess you folks all know it snowed here last night, not much but still a little bit of accumilation. Here’s a little something to warm up your souls.  I borrowed this from Dixie Chick.

December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season
and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window
watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven.
It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds
again. I love snow!

December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering
every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight!
Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the
best idea I’ve ever had.
Shoveled for the first time in years, felt like a boy again.
I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and
closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment.
My neighbor tells me not to worry, we’ll definitely have a white
Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful!
Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want
to see snow again.
I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man, I’m glad he’s our
neighbor.

December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8″ last night. The temperature dropped
to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so.
The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and
sidewalks. This is the life!
The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I
didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll
certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer.
Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and two extra shovels. Stocked the
freezer.
The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think
that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska, after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the
driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour,
which I think was very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay
warm.
Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I
should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her.
God I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in
my own living room.

December 20: Electricity’s back on, but had another 14″ of the damn stuff
last night. More shoveling. Took all day.
Damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but
they said they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying.
Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower,
and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re
lying.
Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I
think he’s lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches
of the white shit fell today, and it’s so cold it probably won’t melt ’til
August.
Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I
had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was
too tired to shovel!
Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow on his truck, for the rest of the winter;
but he says he’s too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23: Only 2″ of snow today, and it warmed up to “0”. The wife
wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she
nuts!!!
Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I
think she’s lying.

December 24: 6″. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack.
If I ever catch the son-of-a—– who drives that snowplow, I’ll drag him
through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel.
I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling
and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow
all over everywhere I’ve just been!
Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our
presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.

December 25: Merry F!=3D@x@!x!x1 Christmas. 20 more inches of the
!=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my
blood boil.
God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a
donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have
a bad attitude. I think she’s a fricking idiot. If I have to watch “It’s
a Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was
all HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.

December 27: Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze. Plumber
came after 14 hours of waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to
replace all my pipes.

December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. The BITCH is
driving me crazy!!!!!

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it
could cave in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he
think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver. He is now
suing me for a million dollars; not for only the beating I gave him, but
also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went
home to her mother. 9″ predicted.

December 31: I set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8: Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep
giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

19 ways to maintain a healthy level of insanity

I’ve seen this one before many times but it’s still funny to me!

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and Point A Hair  Dryer
At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don’t Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It “In.”
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their
Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write “For Sexual Favors”
7. Finish All Your Sentences With “In Accordance With The Prophecy.”
8. Don’t Use Any Punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is “To Go.”
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don’t Rhyme
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can’t Attend Their Party because
You’re Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Hard.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream “I Won! I Won!”
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling

“Run For Your Lives, They’re Loose!!”
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. “Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let
One Of You Go.”

Why Women are Crabby

We started to ‘bud’ in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find
that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt
so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable
training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had
calluses on our backs.

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along
with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone
crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert
tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn’t even know we had.

Our next little rite of passage was having sex for the first time
which was about as much fun as having a baseball bat pushed into your
uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn’t end up
finishing before it even began), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss
was about.

Then it was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers
and water for a few months so we didn’t spend the entire day leaning
over Brother John . Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we
are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us
steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were
preparing to have Rosemary’s Baby.

Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a whole watermelon and
we peed our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived,
the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the
middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet,
moaning in pain all the way to the ER.

Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB  says, ‘Please
stop screaming,  Mrs. Hearmeroar . Calm down and push. ‘Just one more
good push’ (more like 10), warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to
punch our %$#*@*#!* husband in the face and kick the doctor square in
the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 pound bowling
ball through a keyhole.

After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when
all that ‘cute’ wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into
walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop
machines.

Then come their ‘Teen Years.’ Need I say more?

When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual
prime in our early 40’s – while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th
birthday.

So we progress into the grand finale: ‘The Menopause’, the Grandmother
of all womanhood. It’s either take HRT and chance cancer in those now
seasoned ‘buds’ or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a
hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head
off anything that moves.

Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get
off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life’s cake: Being able to pee in
the woods without soaking their socks (and not have to use a leaf to
wipe or resort to drip-drying)…

So, while I love being a woman, ‘Womanhood’ would make the Great
Gandhi a tad crabby. You think women are the ‘weaker sex’?  Yeah right.
Bite me.

Magnets

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Gotta Love Little Old Ladies

A little old lady was walking down the
         street dragging two large plastic garbage
         bags behind her. One of the bags was
         ripped, and every once in a while, a $20
         bill fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this,
         a policeman stopped her, and said,
         “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out
         of that bag.”
        
         “Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old
         lady.  “I’d better go back and see if I can
         find them. Thanks for telling me officer.”
        
         “Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.
         “Where did you get all that money?
         You didn’t steal it, did you?”
        
         “Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see,
         my back yard is right next to the football
         stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot
         of fans come and pee through a knot hole
         in the fence, right into my flower garden.
         It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers,
         you know.
        
         Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of
         it?’ So, now, on game days, I stand behind
         the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with
         my hedge clippers.
        
         Every time some guy sticks his pecker through
         my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and
         say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.’
        
         “Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop,
         laughing. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way,
         what’s in the other bag?”
        
         “Well, you know”, said the little old lady,
         “not everybody pays.”

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